For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington
have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
Testing. Is that all right?
Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant... Hello.
And a little round-headed buffoon. That is... Karl Pilkington.
Right.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
What are you doing?
I'm trying to calm my gums down.
Well, you don't do it with water.
What do you do it with?
You're trying to calm you gums down with... You do it with...
You do it with meditation and hard drugs.
What's the problem with your gums?
When I'm stressed out, my teeth know.
What? What do you mean?
Say that again.
When I'm sort of stressed out, me, me gums and my teeth know before I do.
It's like a weakness.
So what's up? You got a toothache then?
Mmm. I did the other week. I thought you went to the dentist?
Well, what's wrong with your teeth then?
It's just cause you're stressed? I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. Why are you stressed?
What have you got to be stressed about? I don't know.
That's, that's what, that's what's weird with stress, isn't it?
No. Your body can be stressed without your realizing.
That's what kills people. No, stress. No, no, no, no, no.
You're stressed, because you feel stressed, and then,
your body gets weak, because you're...
No, because I'm pretty good.
I don't... I never feel stressed. That's part of my problem.
That's not a problem. I am stressed, but I don't know about.
That doesn't make sense at all. That's why...
It's a number one killer.
What? What do you mean? Do you never get stressed?
If you don't feel stressed, how are you stressed?
But you must be stressed if your teeth are telling you you're stressed.
Right. It's like saying, I didn't feel like I had the pain,
but apparently, I did.
Listen. Go on.
- I was in Israel recently. - Hmm.
Had a bag put over me head, chucked in the back of a van.
- Now the thing is, I kind of thought, well, this is... - Right.
It wasn't a blind date, by the way. And he wasn't being arrested or kidnapped.
It was a, it was a training thing, wasn't it, for kidnap situations?
Yes, but I didn't know. I didn't know...
What? You didn't know they were going to do it? No.
Brilliant. They don't tell me anything, do they?
- That's good. - So what happened then?
So, the thing is, that happened, I had a panic on a little bit.
Afterwards, they took the bag off. I realized everything was all right.
I was calm. But my body was shaking.
And that's what I'm saying to you. That doesn't make any sense.
My body, as far as my body was concerned, it had just been kidnapped.
Right. But I knew I hadn't.
The, you know the bag they put over your head?
Was it like a tennis racket cover? What, what shape was it?
You sure they just didn't go with...
Oh, I thought I just bought the world's biggest orange.
Do you ever get recognized much?
Yeah, now and again. But I haven't done anything of any worth.
However, it's almost like recognizing...
...a neighbor or something.
Cause they sort of go, oh, it's him.
And then the other one might go, what does he do?
Oh, I don't know.
It's not like I've done something...
Right, of any worth.
Of any worth yet. Yeah.
I think you're forgetting all those emails I pass on to you.
For those people that have had traumas in their lives.
You know, the earthquake victim.
There's people that have lost relatives or had...
You know, terrible life threatening diseases.
And they say the podcast got them through.
Doesn't that warm the cockles of your heart?
Uh, well, normally it's, it's gone straight to you, hasn't it?
And you just forwarded me on.
So it's, it's almost like spam to me.
It doesn't, it doesn't feel as special, cause it's like, here you go.
Look at this, you know?
Unbelievable.
I've watched the World Cup a few times with Ricky, the last time we qualified.
We were doing, um, a project.
And then we were, we watched it together in a hotel room.
But of course in a hotel room, it was just like a big bed.
So, we sat on the bed together, and we thought that was a bit intense.
So I put a line of pillows down.
But I don't understand what, to... He was putting a line of pillows between us.
Now he knows I'm not going to jump on him.
No, I know. No. He's not going to jump on me.
But he's still terrified that some kind of...
Like some kind of paparazzi is going to sort of parasail down the building.
And peer in and take a photo of us.
And that's before we've got time to explain that we're just watching the football.
It's already printed going, "Well, this is clearly evidence that they're gay."
Yeah. There's no way that they could possibly...
Sat on a bed just as friends.
No, but hold on, though. Why were we naked?
Why didn't we just pop some trousers on?
But I didn't remember that you, even though it was my room...
You forced me to sit in the chair.
It was one of those really uncomfortable box chairs.
I said, it's weird. I can't get excited.
We're having a beer, okay? So, now we're drinking.
Now we're drinking in bed, on the bed. We weren't in bed.
No, no, no. We had our clothes on.
We're on the bed watching football.
But I couldn't go, "Come on England," with a little man sitting next to me in bed.
Not a little man at all.
No. Big man.
And so I just thought, "Let's pop the pillows down." That wasn't enough.
I said, Steve, I can't do this. I can't...
I can't watch football with a man on a bed.
I said, so go in the chair.
And he sat in the chair. So I sat in this chair, which is...
For a man of my size, those tiny little, crappy hotel box chairs are no good.
It's 90 bloody minutes, plus the...
It was my room. I was furious.
I felt like I was, like an old rich man just waiting to die.
And my little, man servant used to come and sit and watch football with me...
- Exactly. Yes. - ...in the last days...
The last days. ...of my time.
Karl, would you sit on a bed, right,
with Stephen in a hotel room, right, watching football?
Okay? You're pouring, you're pouring each other wine, and beer, and...
Well, no. There wasn't that music playing.
There was the roar of the crowd,
and John Motson doing commentary.
It wasn't, it's the not the sexy sound at all.
What do you think, Karl?
Um...
Someone said, oh, come to my room. We're watching football.
You got there and he went...
Well, who was on the bed first? But, that's not what happened.
Who was on the bed first?
Well, he probably got up to answer the door. So he, so...
So, I don't know. I came in.
I thought, well, there's only a bed here. We sat down.
We thought, yes, we... No it wasn't. It was a chair there. So...
Well, yeah. But you know full well that if you're in a room with Ricky,
he's the one who's going to leap straight on the bed and demand that you...
I'd just take the chair.
Well, why would you be concerned with lying on the bed next to me?
Yeah. What's up with that?
It's a bit weird, isn't it?
Why? Why is it weird?
I don't understand this. Because...
I changed my tune.
It's a bit weird lying on a bed, with a mate, just watching football.
Yes, it isn't like when you go around the house, do you?
You don't pop on... Yes, but it's because you have a sofa and things.
We didn't have that in the room. Yes, but when you visit,
someone in hospital, you don't say, "Move over."
And you probably don't pop yourself down next to him.
You sit on the chair next to it.
No. Because you're not there in a relaxed situation for 90 minutes...
Enjoying a game of sport. It's a, there's a more formal environment.
Cause you're quite a sport fan, aren't you, Karl?
Yes, but not in, um...
I, I don't like getting into things too much. Mmm.
Cause it can be disappointing. Well, that's true.
I've never seen him get into anything. No.
To be quite honest. No. I am a football fan.
But I've gotten, I've got, I've got it now to a point, where...
If they lose, it only bothers me for about half an hour.
Yeah. And then I move on.
Because the thing is, I'm not in control of it.
- There's nothing I can do to alter that, that team. - No.
If I could go in and say, listen, you're lazy.
You get your finger out. You move up front a bit.
It's different. But it's totally...
It's like getting annoyed with nature.
There's nothing you can do.
So let it happen. Watch it if you want.
But don't get annoyed about it, cause it's totally out your hands.
Yeah.
Interesting that Karl's team tactics also sounds like he could be directing a gay porn.
You get your finger out. You get up front. You're lazy.
Oh, it's amazing.
What do you think of these people, though?
I love it that everyone's a, an expert. Everyone's a pundit.
You see these fat people in pubs going...
Well, he's lost a few yards up front.
Yeah. You, you be...
You fucking score a goal then, fatty.
Mmm. Wearing a football top.
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I hate that.
They shouldn't make them for them.
Shouldn't make them in that size. It should be one size only.
If you're fit enough to play football, you can wear one. If you're a fatty, you not.
You look ridiculous anyway.
But what's that, that's... What are you talking about?
So you with a big, fat slob with his belly out in an England shirt...
Going, "I could score from there."
Go on then. Let's have a go.
If fat Bob in the pub... Mmm.
He's got his football top on.
Mmm. Just.
He gets all annoyed when England, you know, lose.
Mmm. Yeah. What difference it make...
What difference does it make if they lose there, or lose in the final?
Well, I'll... What's the point?
Well, I'll tell you what difference it makes.
I knew a fat Bob, okay?
That wasn't his name, but I'm changing the name to protect the innocent, and him.
And he's not innocent, right? Is it fat Dave?
It was a big, fat bloke, right?
And he worked on one of the crews, um...
That used to bring in equipment where I used to work at that student's union, okay?
And, uh, he was, he was massive, right?
And, uh, I think it was 1992.
The Euro. Right? When England got knocked out.
And he went mental.
And he was so angry.
He went out, and he wanted retribution, okay?
Luckily there were no German people around.
But the closest he, he could find was a sausage van.
Some poor bloke who delivers sausages, and he turned it over.
He got the van, and he turned it over cause it was selling sausages.
So he thought that's German enough.
No. Well, if he's fat, he's probably just annoyed that it wasn't open.
I think I first became really excited by the World Cup,
that famous year when Maradona did the hand ball.
Do you remember, what was that, 1986? '86. Yeah.
Oh, that was so exciting.
Cause it was... He had been so brilliant in that tournament.
And then he did cheat, as we all know. Yeah.
Isn't cheating part of, part of all games now?
Hang on. Here we go. This is controversial. Oh, hold on...
There's a lot of young people who look up to Karl as a role model.
Yeah. Yeah, but it's the world we live in now, isn't it?
It's, uh, get what you can, or how you can.
But what's your feeling? Are you the sort of person...
Well, I mean, have you ever cheated in a game?
Were you that sort of person?
Um, let me just think. My dad does it a lot.
Um...
What? In board games and that?
Yeah. They're just, just cards. Monopoly.
- Uh... - How does he cheat in Monopoly?
Just nicks a lot of the money.
Oh, just straightforward nicks the money.
I hadn't thought of that. I love that. Yeah.
But how do you notice he's even doing it? He does...
I'm busy looking at, you know, what properties I've, I've invested in and stuff.
Sure. And the money's just there, isn't it?
See I don't see the point of cheating at Monopoly. No, I don't.
I say that to him. I'm saying, you're kidding yourself.
You're kidding yourself.
But to him, he's, he's broke the system, hasn't he?
He's got round the rules.
What do you mean I can only have that much? Who says I can? Bosh.
Get some more money. Buy some more hotels.
And in a way, that's life, isn't it? Mmm.
All people with loads of money now, you kind of go, have they made that honestly?
Right.
You know, I pass big houses in London, and I think gangsters.
Got to be gangsters to have a house like that.
Yeah. There's no way a normal job, someone who's...
Cause I know. I'm trying to make money.
And I know how hard it is to make money.
Cause the more money you make, the more hands are out there, taking little bits.
So how the hell has this man bought this house?
It's got to be a crook.
And that's the... So do you yourself cheat?
Would you consider yourself a cheater? Are you honorable?
In games.
Well, just generally. Do you cheat on anything?
No. Do you know what? The other week...
I'd had a cup of tea and some fish and chips at this pub.
And they only took for one.
And I went back the next day.
And said, oh, you didn't charge me for my fish and chips.
What a fucking moron.
I paid. No, I didn't tell her about the tea though.
Got a free tea?
Took the free tea, yeah.
I just thought, well, you know, it's pretty good about going back to pay for that.
And it was just a tea bag. The water was free.
Yeah. I'll have that for free.
So that, again, that's just me. It's like the Mars bar on the paper round.
Mmm. It's me going, well, I've been good.
The fish would have cost money. Potatoes are pretty cheap. But I'll pay for it.
But for my goodness, here's a little gift. Have a free cup of tea.
If she was good at her job, she'd have remembered.
I thought she would have done.
In a way, it annoyed that she didn't go...
Oh, yes. So you did. Well done. Thank you very much for coming back.
Right. She just was like, did you?
Another little crap shoot. She looks at me.
I know what you mean. She looked, she looked at me, like...
We didn't even know.
Yeah. I was worrying about a staff member.
Sort of on her own or having to pay for it. Getting fired or something.
I know where you're coming at there. Yeah.
One of my first disappointments with football...
I was, um, I was 10-years-old, okay?
And, uh, one of the teachers was in charge of the football team, my junior school.
And I went down to Tuttys. It was a shop, with my mom.
So it's just white socks, black shorts, white shirt...
Went to, knocked on his door.
I said, I've got my kit.
Yes, well, the trials were yesterday. You've missed it.
That was it for a year, right?
Next year I went, "When are the trials, when are the trials..."
Got in the trials, okay?
He's going, well, I want everyone to give 100 percent, right?
Really try hard. Really try hard.
He's watching people play, right?
I made sure that every time I ran by him, I was out of breath, right?
Really trying.
Every time I ran by him he sort of looking at me...
Came to it.
He said, and the team is this. I'm left out, right?
He went past me, and he went, you've clearly got asthma.
So you didn't make that team either?
Yeah. And I didn't... And, and I...
I vowed that day, never try hard at anything.
Yeah. Well, and you've certainly kept that up. Yeah.
What's your thoughts on that, Karl?
Well, you play... Did you play sport at school?
Um, a little bit.
But it was never taken seriously at school anyway.
It was, I think the P.E. teacher was a geography teacher as well.
- So it's like, you know, what does he know? - Yeah.
It was all that...
Basically, he put on some track suit pants on that were always too tight for him.
Could see everything.
Well, why were you looking at... You couldn't help it.
It was in the days when clothing was tight as it is.
Mmm. And then it was like Lycra tracky bottoms.
Oh, all right.
And everyone used to say, look at the...
But... Like stealing sausages from...
He was ridiculous, ridiculous.
So he didn't know what he was doing anyway.
If, if anything it was dangerous.
Cause he didn't know...
What was, what was the capability of a, of a 10-year-old kid's body.
- I mean, he'd put you through loads of stuff. - Right.
He didn't like me anyway, cause I wasn't that good.
If you're not that good,
- teachers don't like you. - Oh, I thought you'd be pretty good.
I wasn't interested. That's the thing.
I did relay, and I got done for swearing. Got whacked on the ass with a baton.
Hold on. Why, why, why were you swearing in relay?
What, when's that come into it?
Why did you need to swear in relay?
You're running round out there...
Because the lads wouldn't slowed down, so I couldn't pass it on.
So I sort of said, fucking slow down.
And he heard me. And then went mental at me.
But, yeah. So it was never... I mean, Darren Campbell...
The, the athlete.
I told you, haven't I, that I was involved in his, his training?
No. Didn't know about this.
Yeah, Darren Campbell, the... I think he won a gold medal.
Didn't he used to push you around in a bath or something?
No, it's not Last of the Summer Wine.
It was, it was in me go cart.
Really?
And used to...it was a motorized go cart.
And that's why he'd pick it up at the back.
Run with it, up speed, and then drop the wheels down,
And the engine kicks in.
We should explain to the people who don't know.
He was the bloke who used to push the bob sleigh in the Winter Olympics.
Wasn't he, for the England team?
No. He was a, he was a runner.
Well, how was that part of his training then, pushing a fucking go cart?
What was he doing?
Because he's running.
But he's running about a yard.
No. No. Sometimes more than that, quite a lot.
And it's just... God, what do you want?
It was Darren Campbell pushing my go cart.
Yeah, but you seem to be taking half the credit for his gold medal.
What you've done is sat on your ass, you lazy twat.
I just kind of think he was, he was at the age where it's important.
He could have made a decision not to go into it at that point.
And I think he was never keen to get in the go cart.
Yeah. He was always keen to push it, and I used to let him.
Now, if I said, no, I don't want you pushing me go cart, who knows?
I'm just saying I was there at the start.
Doing nothing, providing nothing.
Sitting on your ass.
Sitting around, letting someone else do it.
Well, all right. What athletes have you helped?
You've not helped him.
I bet if he ever did a book, an autobiography,
it'd go, you know, The Early Years, Darren Campbell.
Now I want to know if he has done an autobiography,
cause we're going to be looking this up.
"I remember the training."
I'm making a note of that for the next time you do anything.
"Around at Pilkington's."
"Darren Campbell."
"Pushing a go cart."
"Pushing, bald, in crap, cheap..."
Wasn't. "Go cart."
120 quid it was. You know how many paper rounds that is?
What I like when, um, you're watching football on the television...
Is if it goes to a close-up of a footballer,
it's just kick the ball out, miss the goal,
he's gone for a free kick or whatever,
if you stay on any footballer for more than 10 seconds,
they will either swear...
- Or gob. - Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, that's a fact. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've never needed to gob that much.
I don't care how knackered I am, I'm never gobbing like that.
It's weird though.
The other week, I just sat in the garden slobbering...
Just to see if it would ever run out.
And it's amazing. I don't know where it all comes from.
What is the strangest... That's extraordinary.
That's amazing. So that... Just to see if it would run out?
So now, he's got to the point in his life, where,
as a hobby, or a pass time, or just to count down the minutes before he dies...
Yeah. He sat in the garden...
Creating sputum. Slathering to see if he'd ever run out.
I mean, that's amazing, Karl. Where, where does it all come from?
Well, you create it, don't you?
But from what?
I'm always getting done for not drinking enough water.
Salivary glands.
But it's amazing.
Honestly, I just sat like that with my head forward, and just let it drip.
Fuck me. Wow.
So Suzanne comes into the garden, and all she sees is her boyfriend...
Sad. Like something from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
Yeah. Dribbling.
Like something battered around their head with a cricket bat.
No, she was, she was reading something.
Did she, did you answer to back to a dictator?
Yeah. What'd he do?
Battered me.
You got Trojan up your ass as well.
Yeah, it makes me slather.
No. Just sat there.
What a fucking mong. That's extraordinary.
What a div you are.
And I just had my head there, and it continuously...
I think I got bored of it before it stopped.
Oh, God! I have never heard anything like this.
Oh, God, it's unbelievable.
He just sat there with his head down, slathering.
Letting it just... That's extraordinary.
You weren't even sort of like gobbing?
You were just letting... No, just letting it, letting it sort of drop.
So, you've...
You've got nothing else going on in your life, that you've got time to do this?
So your brain wasn't even engaged.
How long were you there for?
I'll tell you what, no joking, probably a good 15 minutes.
Wow. Fifteen minutes...
- Of sitting with his head forward... - Amazing.
Letting him salivate back onto the grass.
But you reckon you could do that amount?
I would never do it. Never do it. We'll never try. Never try.
I've never got that amount of time.
I've never, I've, I, I tell you now.
You will never see either of us...
Sat there for no reason in the garden, with our head forward,
and our mouth open, seeing how long we can create saliva.
Unless I've just come out of a coma.
Yeah. Yeah, or a gas attack.
Yeah.
No, I have a lot of... I'm sort of goz unlimited.
That's a great new dance duo, isn't it?
Please welcome to the stage, it's Goz Unlimited!
Amazing.
What do you think about George Best?
Using up his liver, and then getting another one, and getting pissed again?
Clever.
Well, that's always going to encourage, isn't it? I've always said that.
What?
The moment we can replace stuff, people just go, oh, sod it.
Like smokers. What would you do if you gave someone a kidney...
And then, and they started to... Mess with it.
And you saw them down to the pub again. Doing drugs and shit, and...
Well, I wouldn't, I wouldn't hand it out to someone just, just like that, would I?
I think you should be allowed to say, right, who's it for? Can I meet them?
Right. Right. And then have a chat with them.
Saying, have you learned your lesson?
What I'm going to do... Okay, okay. I'm a, I'm a...
I'm a little kid who wants a, a kidney, okay?
Um, and you come to... I'm on the top of the list.
Hello.
How are you doing? Good.
Are you going to give me one of your kidneys so I can live?
I don't know...
Well, I'm on top of the list so... Why is your head so round?
Right. So, definitely not. Why?
Definitely not. He's a little kid. Look at him.
He's a little kid. But I need, I need a kidney. Pale.
He's cheeky, though, isn't he? Cheeky. No. Please.
Please. Round head. Lovely little kid. Lock of hair.
Can I have your kidney?
No, you can't have it, right? Oh, come on. You've got two.
Let's see another kid.
- No. I'm on the top... - Lesson learned.
I'm top of the fucking list. Give me one of your kidney's you round-headed twat.
No. I would not feel bad about walking away from that kid,
and saying he could not have a kidney.
So you're going to, you're going to...
Do you know what? I'm going to take this kidney out now and bin it.
Hey, wait. Do you know who that kid went on to become?
Go on.
Winston Churchill.
All right. Well, maybe I helped. It's like Darren Campbell all over again.
I made him stronger.
I was tough with him. He saw how tough the world is.
No. But you didn't.
This is an alternative universe where he died,
because you never gave him that kidney.
Yeah. Yeah, well you can't worry about that then, can you?
If you go, if you're going to start going that far back and forward and stuff.
But I think, I don't know what I'd expect someone to be like.
Just wanting to go, what do you eat?
I'd, I'd say write down your diet.
Oh, yeah. That one is really... I'm going to treasure this kidney.
I'm going to treasure it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
And I'll really work hard, and I'm going to make something of more than you did.
So, um... So I made this...
You're kidney is going to be a lot better off in me than you, you lazy tosser.
I'll tell you that. If you want, if you want achievement...
Oh, okay. Then, you know, I, I'm going to go to school.
I'm going to do really well. Not like you, you thick, little round-headed shit.
So the quicker you get the fucking kidney out of your useless body, and into mine...
Well... ...we'll all be happy, won't we?
Okay. Well, I'll go away and think about it for a month.
Well, no.
There you go. Don't have to get nasty.
Sick of it, always helping people out.
Oh. Uh...
That's a big ask, isn't it?
Would you give anyone a kidney, Karl?
Suzanne? Sure he would give Suzanne a kidney.
Tricky little, tricky, tricky.
Well, you, obviously you'd give Suzanne a kidney, wouldn't you?
Yeah...
Well, would you? Or are you just saying that?
Suppose I would. I don't really like the idea of it.
So if, what you're saying... What you're saying to Suzanne right now.
A bit of good luck. You know, I need a kidney.
And this got quite rare. Well, we've got the same sort of blood group and everything.
So, uh... You've got two. I've got none.
Bibbity Bob, one each. Let's have a good life.
Don't know. Yeah?
Uh, yeah, you'll have to, have to have it.
Which one are you thinking of going for? Cause the...
I think the right one's a bit dodgy cause I had the kidney stones.
Do you want that one? Well, you keep that.
I'll have, I'll have the left one.
No. I tell you what. You have that one,
because when I was in all the pain, you were going, it can't be that bad.
So you have it. It's in good working order. They've looked at it.
Yeah. But it is prone to stones.
There. He's using this to get back at her.
For saying, it can't be that bad.
It's like poetic justice.
He can give her the kidney she didn't believe was that painful.
Don't like talking about it. It's all...
It freaks me out. It freaks me out. It's all doing stuff now.
The kidney is doing stuff. Yeah.
My teeth are hurting still.
Still got a little bit of tooth ache going on there.
I've got a sweat on.
All stuff is going on without me knowing.
Germs whizzing round. I've had jabs for rabies.
I've had Hepatitis A and B. I don't know what that does.
I've had A and I've had B. That's whizzing round my body.
Body's in shock, isn't it, at the moment? It doesn't know what is going on.
I've had... How is it notifying you of the shock?
Well, the thing, like I say, I keep getting this sweat.
And what else have I had? Typhoid.
Doesn't that, like shouldn't, I have...
All this stuff shouldn't be in my body, should it?
And we don't really know, do we?
They're saying, yes, have this. Have that. Shove it in your arm. It's all right.
But we don't really know, long-term effect.
I've got rabies in me. I never thought I'd have to have that.
Tetanus, T.B.
One for if I get bit by a dirty monkey.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com